Arrrgh ... well, now, of course, I'm worrying that I might have hurt your feelings.
But I think maybe now you can see why I was so upset and at sea when Red was badgering me about reading more feminine types of literature. It's really not a mindset that comes naturally to me at all, and I had a good deal of my childhood and adolescence being faced with my female inadequacies at the hands of my mother, other relatives, and snarky girls at school. It was to the point where when guys came on to me, I thought they were making fun of me.
When I finally got to feeling somewhat better about my looks - and I thank my blond-haired college guy and Karl for that - it was on my own terms. This meant acting more confidently, getting more exercise, getting better haircuts, and making sure that my clothes fit properly - not by the usual makeup-makeover, changing the way I dressed completely to something more feminine, and so on. I was still wearing pants whenever I could, T-shirts were still my wardrobe staples, but I felt comfortable in my skin, and it showed - guys wanted to talk to me at cons and so on. Of course, the fact that I had a steady at that point helped ... which is pretty ironic.
But I have very strong knee-jerk reaction to an emphasis on looks and on the idea that that's the main "weapon" a woman can bring to a dicey situation. I can get what [I think] you're saying - her (and possibly your) "talisman" in that sort of situation is the ritual of the warpaint ... mine would be far more likely some ritual deep breaths to trigger relaxation so that I could meet the opponent's gaze calmly and speak confidently and convincingly - which I know that I can do, if I'm calm.
I think another part of my negative association with makeup is that to me, it has a masklike aspect - obfuscation, dissembling, misrepresentation. I don't like to flirt, either, because that seems to me to be presenting a false front. I fiercely need to be liked, but I want it to be the real me that people are learning to like - I don't want there to be a time later on when they find out that I'm not really like what they first found interesting or attractive. It's bizarre to what lengths and in what directions insecurity can grow.
(It's amazing how deep and how serious these discussions get, isn't it? I'm sorry ... .)
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Arrrgh ... well, now, of course, I'm worrying that I might have hurt your feelings.
But I think maybe now you can see why I was so upset and at sea when Red was badgering me about reading more feminine types of literature. It's really not a mindset that comes naturally to me at all, and I had a good deal of my childhood and adolescence being faced with my female inadequacies at the hands of my mother, other relatives, and snarky girls at school. It was to the point where when guys came on to me, I thought they were making fun of me.
When I finally got to feeling somewhat better about my looks - and I thank my blond-haired college guy and Karl for that - it was on my own terms. This meant acting more confidently, getting more exercise, getting better haircuts, and making sure that my clothes fit properly - not by the usual makeup-makeover, changing the way I dressed completely to something more feminine, and so on. I was still wearing pants whenever I could, T-shirts were still my wardrobe staples, but I felt comfortable in my skin, and it showed - guys wanted to talk to me at cons and so on. Of course, the fact that I had a steady at that point helped ... which is pretty ironic.
But I have very strong knee-jerk reaction to an emphasis on looks and on the idea that that's the main "weapon" a woman can bring to a dicey situation. I can get what [I think] you're saying - her (and possibly your) "talisman" in that sort of situation is the ritual of the warpaint ... mine would be far more likely some ritual deep breaths to trigger relaxation so that I could meet the opponent's gaze calmly and speak confidently and convincingly - which I know that I can do, if I'm calm.
I think another part of my negative association with makeup is that to me, it has a masklike aspect - obfuscation, dissembling, misrepresentation. I don't like to flirt, either, because that seems to me to be presenting a false front. I fiercely need to be liked, but I want it to be the real me that people are learning to like - I don't want there to be a time later on when they find out that I'm not really like what they first found interesting or attractive. It's bizarre to what lengths and in what directions insecurity can grow.
(It's amazing how deep and how serious these discussions get, isn't it? I'm sorry ... .)